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Lars and Heinz and I drove to Berlin that evening to play at Gisela’s venue, called The Petruskirche. I had spoiled the last show we did there by calling Gisela, Petra, all night, she took it well but docked us a 100 euros, [ actually that’s not true at all, Gisela is one of THE nicest people on the planet, …it was only 75]…love you G!
Heinz stayed the night because he had to be in Hannover the next morning, Lars and I drove back to Hamburg, chatting all the way.
An early start the next morning and I’m back in Westerhof. Lars went far beyond the call of duty and dropped me out there at some illegal hour of the day for musicians. Westerhof school is a haven of laughter and song. Last year I did a workshop and loved every minute and so after I called consistently for a week, they finally broke down and agreed that I could come back.
Steffi is the head teacher, and I will always remember her, because I actually played at her wedding last year, it’s a long story, but I did end up selling a cd to the priest in the car-park afterwards, how many times could James Taylor say that!?
Heike Morgenstern is the darling music teacher, Morgenstern is translated as Morningstar in English and she has a smile like the brightest star, and loves her children with every ounce of her being.
The workshops were such fun, I had agreed [begged] to do a concert in the evening, and so before we did our soundcheck [actually this was more of a find the extension chord for the Fisher Price mic and speaker system [note to self…must bring my own sound system next time], we were invited, Steffi and I, to Heike’s house for dinner. Much fun was had, great food, singing ABBA songs, and discussing psychotic neighbours, all very light hearted.
I was joined by my buddy Stefan Plass on the piano for the evening concert in Westerhof and we had a huge crowd come, mainly because we had their children, but I think a few came for the music.I met two children who had been born in Victoria BC, and had moved back to Germany, it really was a special night.
I went home with Stefan because the following day I was to do a workshop in his school.Stefan is the most gifted music teacher I have ever met. His work with children is simply outstanding.He trains them to be drummers, bass players, you name it, and they play songs that are well beyond their years, to hear his 8 year olds play Mamma Mia is one of the most impressive things have heard.
I again had the most amazing day with the children at Egestorf, and in the evening a packed room , with parents and children, singing rainbow songs and Hor auf Dien Herz!
On Saturday I got the train from Luneburg back to Hamburg, German trains are comfy but a little pricey but I so enjoy train travel, the best bit of course trying to find the ticket for the ticket collector, I have always been good at keeping the poor collector waiting, it doesn’t matter if I have had the ticket literally in my hands seconds before, when that blue suited person trundles down the carriage that ticket goes awol and I look very suspicious searching for a ticket the collector thinks I haven’t got, they always look a little disappointed when I do find it so they can’t throw me off.
Back to Lars and Steffi, borrow the Octavia and drive to Ortshausen.The home of Karen, Klaus, Lena and Bjorn and Johann.Its actually impossible for me to describe the wonderful family and house they have, they are so special and I am so lucky to call them friends.The show was great, Bjorn and Lena have a band and they sounded terrific, it was a sold out show and I can’t wait to get back there and have a conversation around the kitchen table with them all, [actually conversation is pushing it a little, I smile and the odd time give a knowing glance, it seems to work.]
The Sunday saw me drive to my record company in Northeim. Stockfisch records, Gunter and all the crew, welcomed me as they always have done, with warmth and kindness.I got to hang out with Brooke Millar and Don Ross, two great Canadian musicians, who were doing an album. I am a great fan of Don, who twice has won the American finger picking guitar championships.
From Northeim to Verden.To the home of Elizabeth Freisen. I met Elizabeth and her friend Seb in Victoria during the summer.I was doing a gig in the local Irish bar and they were there in Victoria as part of their year traveling the globe. We got on great, they came round for dinner, I persuaded them they should have a house concert, and I’m very very glad they said yes.
From Verden I drove straight back to Hamburg, a long but very enjoyable day.
Monday morning saw me saying a sad goodbye to my dear dear friends lars and Steffi, my family here in Germany.I took the train and met up with another Lars, and Svea, and I began a two day workshop in Dahlenburg.
Lars is another one of those teachers who gives the school and kids everything he has.Time, skill, money, it was a real pleasure to hang out with him the kids.Marvin, and Nela, Kira, Sarah and Annika, and many many more.We played two concerts and I was joined onstage by them all.Once again I find myself moved by the emotion and enthusiasm of the young German people.
Lars C drove me back to Luneburg , where I picked up a hire car. A BMW series 1 [grey, but then again theyr’e all grey, did the car business get a fantastic deal on grey paint?] car, I only mention this because I have to inform the public about this vehicle. It is by far the most complicated car I have ever had to drive, it took me 20 minutes to start the damn thing, no wonder there is no speed limit on the autobahn, its because everyone is so late from having to start their cars, I had to ask the car hire lady, Dominique, I know this because we spent so much time together, how to [ this is the God’s honest truth] turn the volume up on the cd player. The car had six gears, why do we need 6 gears? I learned to drive in a Nissan Micra which had 4, these extra gears confuse me, do I HAVE to use all 6? Will people point at me in the street and gawp at the fact I’m only in 5th gear. Cars have become far too complicated, the media consol [I started with a Motorola radio, no cassette] reminded of the starship enterprise, and not the one in Kirk and Spock’s era, I’m talking at least Patrick Stewart. There must have to be evening classes in the future should you decided to hire a car, it would be worth it, seriously, I felt so stupid, but that’s not hard.
I drove the 300 km in the direction of Berlin. I was staying in a very small village called Gross Schonebeck, population 3000, but now 3001, I had played there 2 years ago and it was great to be back.This was East Germany before the wall came down, the former GDR, it still technically is East Germany if you want to be precise about this, but you get the picture.
I got some sleep and rose nice and early, too early, thanks to a rooster which appeared to be living directly outside my window.Why is it only roosters get up early? Are they the only animals with an alarm clock? Why do they feel the need to wake everyone up? Are they pissed because they can’t sleep and therefore feel that noone else has the right to a little extra zzzzzzzz? Can we not genetically modify them instead of our food?
So, off to my first school in the former GDR. Before the wall came down, Russian was the second language, so there is a whole generation that the Engish language has barely made a dint.But things have changed and now the schools in the East all teach English, so at least I had a fighting chance.
I met with Andrea, the English teacher, she told me that the translator who had been booked couldn’t make it so I was on my own..I considered crying at this point..
Ok….
Lets look at this,
Birmingham Irish guy now living in Canada, songwriter and teacher, fluent in one language, which by some cruel twist of fate is not the language of the 15 little ones staring at me trying to decide if they should have chose bungi jumping instead of songwriting and inner awareness class presented by yours truly.
Kids can smell blood better than a great white, having been a sub teacher I know that moment when the shift of power hurtles in the direction of the majority. I knew that I had one chance, and one chance only if I was going to gain their respect, and come out the victor in this primal battle of man versus 8 -10 year old music students.
I considered fainting but if they turn nasty then you are down on the ground and it can get quite ugly when you are lower than they are. Considered pretending to cry [although at this point it wouldn’t have taken much ], no, I decide to take the moral high ground and bribe them with a poster and an autograph. Kids will kill for anyone’s autograph, throw in the heady mix of a poster as well and they will positively go into battle for you. I picked out the ring leader, primed the over priced sharpie and got to work winning those kids over.
There have been great battles in history, Trafalgar, Waterloo, Custars last stand, but I believe someday the skirmish of Schonebeck will be given the praise it so rightly deserves.
It all went well I think, but I’m still processing to be honest.
After school finished I drove to the local town of Bernau. I needed a capo,hair cut [don’t laugh] , flowers, a bank, some toothpaste, this is far to boring so I’ll stop now.
Oh and a nail salon.
Now the good people of Victoria are used to seeing me in the nail salon getting my 3 fingers and thumb on the right hand done, but I came very quickly to realise that the good people of Bernau are not used to seeing their men folk getting their nails filled.
I made some errors in judgement that didn’t help my case.
Later that evening I was going to dinner at Andrea the English teacher’s house, so I popped into the local blumen shop and picked up a nice little bouquet. So when I went into the nail shop holding flowers and asking for my nails to be done I can hardly blame the customers for looking me up and down. Now at this stage I must point out that I have nothing whatsoever against people who dress in the opposite gender’s clothes, I seriously love Eddieizzard, my problem is that looking the way I did would have been an embarrassment to the tranvestite movement, I had a full white beard for a start, which really is pushing the envelope.
I sat down, sometimes these Asian nail salons are little stores tucked away in side streets only buskers know, but this one broke the mould. A huge glass fronted establishment, with chairs positioned firmly in the eye of the bystander walking past. I tried to say I ‘ve changed my mind , but the words are not mine yet and so I was led, like a condemned man, to the seat right in the window.
At first I really didn’t pay much attention to street outside, I was far too busy trying to look hetro, but after a while I started to notice a couple staring at me from outside the shop, I looked at them with that kind of defeated, you wouldn’t understand if I told you looks, but they genuinely seemed shocked. Now, I am all for community, but I really was starting to get alarmed when more people gathered to look at this beardy wierdy getting his nails done. At this point I decided to make a stand and stood up and started via the power of charades, to try and tell the people outside the window what I was doing. I have never been good at Charades, so when I started doing air guitar and pointing to my beard to emphasise the hetroness, I think the message became confused. By this time some of the early birds had gone back to fetch other members of their family. I’m not sure what they thought, but it’s my impression [judging by the laughter] they thought that I was some sort of drag Father Christmas, who likes a little Van Halen on the side, I sat down and resigned myself to the fact my story would never be fully told., mind you I did get a few enquiries about Panto next year, so you see there’s always a silver lining.
From the nail salon I decided to get hair done as well.I have been steadily losing my hair for some time now and on this tour I have gone for a complete shave, its quick and easy and it can help to control the children by scaring them.
I was searching for a suitable [cheap] place, when I stumbled across a place called Hair Concepts, this made me chuckle, what concept could I possibly test them with, I decided to give it a try.
I made my usual excuses about my lack of German words, and then proceeded to make buzzing sounds and actions to demonstrate my need to reduce my already barely visable hair.
The lady agreed, I tried to pay my 5 euros up front there and then , but the lady said no, perhaps it is bad luck to accept payment in the hair biz before the deed is done, but lets face it, what can go wrong with a number 1 all over, I started to get a little concerned . What if there was a way you could screw it up and this lady had manages to do it on a daily basis? Too late, I was in the chair. It was at this point that I suddenly had the bizarre thought of, what had happened to all those GDR shotputters……well, now I knew. The lady had real power in her hands, I should have been given protective padding not a little black wrap around to keep the hair from going down your neck, which incidently it always does anyway. She did the number 1 thing fine, although I was tempted for a second after she had made the initial buzzzzzzz to scream out in horror, but she was bigger than me.
After the head had been done, then came the very sensitive area of ear hair. I know I have it, but I am not that comfortable having a complete stranger going straight in there [even if she is an Olympian]. I think it’s perhaps a second or third date/appointment thing, definitely not the first.If I had wanted my ear hair removed I would have negotiated this at the beginning, although how I would have charaded that is anyone’s guess.
She seemed to spend an awful long time on my ear hair, in fact a lot longer than on my head which isn’t a good thing. At one stage she went off to find another tool for my ear hair, I was really anxious to leave, but she kept on like a woman possessed, by this time my inner ear had had all its hair removed, she was very thorough. I was going to get my 5 euro’s worth if it killed the both of us.
Next up, came the dreaded head massage.Can someone tell me when did we agree to this being part of getting your hair cut? In the past, when someone massaged your head it was certainly not done in a shop with people all around, and would probably have led to other parts of your anatomy being also massaged. I don’t want to be massaged in the hair dressers, it confuses me, it’s not normal, especially if it’s done by a 5 10 former track and field athlete.Please, hair dressers, stop it, stop it now, its not big and its not clever.
After the massage, some ointment was applied to said head, and the polishing of said head began.It doesn’t take a lot to polish my head these days, but this woman was on a mission, I wanted to tell her to stop but she looked like her life depended on it. After about 5 minutes of industrial strength scalp buffering I escaped on the pretense of using the washroom.I looked to see if there was a window but they had thought of that.
I went back, smiled and offered the 5 euro note, which this time was accepted. I swear as I left I heard her say to her colleague, ‘did you see how shiny I made his head?’ My head was so shiny , that later that night on Skype no less, 4 thousand miles away my wife Louise commented on how shiny my head was and could I sit back from the laptop because it was hurting her eyes.
This blog is far too long, my own mother will not read it, but I started so I’ll finish.
I had mentioned earlier, about 5 pages earlier, that I had been invited to dinner.
I was to be picked up by Peter and Petra the music club organizers. They came 10 minutes early, and then ushered me to the bike shed, again , I ‘m feeling a little confused. Shall I drive I ask? No, we will cycle..Ok , but how far is it? This must have sounded like a jovial quip because it got a laugh out of both of them. I had bought flowers for Andrea, which were now attached to the back wheel, for the record this is not recommended. We set off, at times it reminded me of the scene from the Sound of Music, bikes, singing, Alps, but this was -1, cobbled stones and no singing, not even talking. I have never cycled to a dinner party before, but I loved it, I did smell when I got there , but I felt justified in the extra food I consumed.
Great night with Andrea and Ralf, cycled back, went to sleep..hoping the rooster will do the same.
Later
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Well, after my caffine induced blog frenzy, I needed to lie low and get some rest, who knew diary keeping was so intense? Poor Samuel Pepes and Adrian Mole.
On Saturday I had an appointment with the Balcony TV people, this is really exactly what it was, TV on a balcony overlooking the city. I met Heinz who had agreed to join me for this performance, and we met on the Reperbahn. The Reperbahn is the red light [not so much district as Small town] area of Hamburg, a big long street, with every imaginable facility, plus theatres showing musicals [not naughty ones, but shows like Sister Act, which really is quite the opposite], it’s a real lively place and it is brilliant at night.
Heinz and I waited for almost an hour for the Balcony TV people, we made our way to the balcony that we filmed at 2 years ago, but unfortunately due to some oversight or cruel joke [it’s not big and it’s not clever.] [Millie, has this ever been done in the dark and murky world of grammar ? [[The use of a bracket within a bracket with a question mark ]], they decided to not let us know that they had found a new balcony, so , minus Heinz who had by this time lost the will to live let alone perform Cajon on a balcony, I made my way to another balcony over looking the Hamburg skyline.
I sang my song, rather badly I think because my voice wasn’t great having spent the previous day singing Old McDonald far too loud and far too often, with lots of unusual Canadian life forms like whales, bears and Don Cherry.
I sang my song, and then jumped in Lars’s ‘off blue’ Octavia, and drove an hour and a half to Cadenburge. My good friend, and friend to many musicians [Mary Black, James Keelaghan, Mike Silver, Barney], Wolfgang Hess, greeted me with his usual wonderful hospitality. Wolfgang is one of a very very special breed of people in this music business I find myself in. His love and support of live music is legendary, every musician I know loves him, he is a one man promotion company, and recently he became the Lord Mayor of Cadenburge, or Burgermeister. So after I kissed his [I know you thought I was going to say ring], ……….girlfriend in a European on the cheek sort of way, avoiding the lips fashion… ….. …..
Can anybody tell me the rules of a single cheek or double, or even, God forbid a triple cheek greeting, I can never get it right, I don’t believe it is down to the country because I have singled and doubled in France and in Germany, and just as I’m getting the hang of it I go up to greet someone at the CD [subliminal product placement moment] table after a show and they….. Cheekily…., just squeeze my left buttock, [hang on hang on, sorry, that was a dream I had last week], but you get the picture, its more complicated that the middle east peace process but with more saliva.
We drove to the venue and I met some old friends, played my show and then went back to Wolfgang’s house and met his lovely girlfriend Anoka again [no kiss this time], I think I ‘tripled’ when I should have doubled and completely freaked her out, she believing that I was some sort of pervert .We shared another great German vegetarian pizza, there was so many vegetables on the pizza this time that I started to genuinely worry about the future extinction of the carrot, you can’t take these things for granted you know!
We stayed up talking about our favourite singer songwriters and then our other favourite singer –songwriters [perhaps this explains why there was only Wolfgang and I left at the table], I slept like a log which had just overdosed on Gravol. I woke to find breakfast prepared by Saint Wolfgang [patron saint of bodhran players and dadgad guitarists], and then to cap it off, Wolfgang gave me a gift of a brand new watch !
[although I had been late to the gig the previous night I don’t think that this was a subtle hint] I think it was more to do with Wolfgang having the only watch store in town, and me softly sobbing on his shoulder that I had lost mine 6 months earlier.]
Future promoters,
please don’t feel pressured by this beautiful and memorable,in a sort blood brother bonding sort of way display of generosity,
Please don’t feel you have to shower me with quality leather goods
[no trousers please] and apple products [iphone 4 maybe 5 if it's out yet, with case]
What a guy, he is 50 next week, and I would have loved to have been at the party, but I know it will be a great do!
Happy Birthday miene freund!
[I swear to you I am drinking decaff!]
From Cadenburge to Finkenwerder, I drove to meet Uli Kringler, my friend and guitar player. I also had the bonus of meeting his wonderful lady, Imke, a very talented lady with a beautiful soul [did I get that right ..Uli?], seriously, she was just lovely.
Uli and I drove to Osnabruck [in his new Winter Grey Octavia, I dribbled on my shirt, deep in sleep, dreaming of that buttock squeezing incident again at the CD table,[shameless self promotion again] made even more bizarre this time by the fact I was [HoHoHo’d] by a Father Christmas with a lazy eye , and quite astonishingly he didn’t even buy a CD.[I feel therapy beckoning].
Did I mention I have CD’s for sale?
Osnabruck, Gaste,, Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andreas, Wolfgang, Katarina, Lukas, and all the Gaste-Garage family
forget Lourdes,Fatima, Rome,Camino, Gaste-Garage is where I want to spend my time on Pilgrimage.
To have friends like this on tour is like winning the lottery!
This is my favourite gig on the planet, nay universe!
Such kindness, such friendship, such food!
You simply have to go, learn the guitar write some songs, make a dodgy cd with songs about your dead parrot, get a gig there, you will leave me money in your will because of this advice!
Uli and I drove home after the show, I dared not go back to sleep for fear of meeting Father Lazy eye and his wandering red gloved hands.Uli was glad because it’s hard to get dribble stains out.
Back to Finkenwerder [the home of Air Bus], slept for about 5 hours and then drove to my next workshop.
The Greta-Bergmann Gymnasium.
Martin Rischer is a darling man, who I am sure if he lived on the same continent would be a friend and constant popperarounderforacuppakindaguy [see, its not only the Germans who have long words1]
I visited his school last year and this year he had asked me to come for 2 days.
It was one of the best workshops ever, the students were truly fantastic
Kevin [Dave] this guy will go far , mark my words!
Kevin [also Dave sometimes] super guitar player
Alex [never David] super electric guitar player
Kai [sometimes Alex] groovy bass player
The legendary Kotofwski Horns
Marie Caire trumpet
Christof Trumpet
Clemenz trumpet
these three are not actually the famous Trumpet triplets, they just play the trumpet.
Linus Sax
Thomas, seriously cool guy who I have a lot of respect for!
Sandra Diva supreme
Amanta fearless and beautiful
Kristina sang Adele, better than Adele, and is currently learning the guitar [are you not?]
Alice so so so good
Vero who will one day win an oscar if there is any justice in the world
Eileen with gorgeous [Irish ] red hair , and who sang the lazy song better than Bruno!
Yasmin, writer of the Blue Planet song, such great talent and a heck of a guitar player
Thanks Herr Mueller and Herr Rischer, please ask me to come back
Ps
[ I am coming back whether you ask or not!]
In the evening we had a concert and I was joined by Lars and Uli , and much fun was had by all.
Later that evening we went for a meal at an Italian restaurant, joined by Uli and Steffi.
As I write this blog, I have now left my favourite restaurant , Julie, and am in the car with Lars and Heinz on the way to Berlin for a show. Earlier today I was asked by two friends to give them guitar lessons, Joscheba, a wonderful singer songwriter, jazz musician, who, when you play my new CD [another subliminal product placement moment], can be heard singing along, mind you, there were only three peple at the concert. And a great guy called Oliver who I had met at the Fransiscan Monk Puppet concert, where he had been the sound engineer [ I bet that looks impressive on his cv…]
Experience
House Engineer for the Rotten larynx punk club 1977-1978
Live Sound for Milli Vanilli [specialized in vocal playback] 1999-1999
Franciscan Monk Puppet , stage and monitor sound 2011- present
I had two wonderful hours of making music and swapping ideas about life and how exactly did the Fransiscan puppet manage to go home with that gorgeous waitress.
Later
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