Paul O'Brien

I start out with great intentions when I go out on tour, I try to write a diary every day, brush my teeth at least once a month, get my picture taken holding stranger’s babies at weekends, open a new supermarket every couple of weeks, ….but as usual I fall into bad habits and before I know it a few days have gone by and I haven’t even managed to style my hair, or gone for my morning 5km swim in the Elbe.

 

That’s the bad news…..

 

but the good news……..

 

is that the magic of Germany continues to shine down on me, and for that I am very very grateful. I had a great night in Lubeck, however I did manage to get stuck in the multi-storey car park after the show……

 

For the record I don’t enjoy spending time in carparks, I know Jerry Seinfeld based a whole episode on it, but after 3 hours I really have lost my sense of awe and wonder, they really should provide some entertainment for these situations, perhaps a soft seat chill out zone, pleasant ambient music, I’m thinking pan pipes ……..

 

[I actually know a good pan piper called Marcello, I met him in Ecuador  [ I know this seems like a shameless name drop of  a country  to make me sound sophisticated but I jest ye not ] but I suspect that if the town of Lubeck got in touch with Marcello [ he is currently touring South America selling homemade jewellery and busking so it may be a bit tricky] he could probably be persuaded to do a summer / winter season in Lubeck carpark for very reasonable prices, and his dragonfly earings would make the perfect heartfelt ‘sorry darling’  presents for the wives of the husbands who had spent the whole night in a city center car-park. Coming home however refreshed and having visited their inner self due to El Condor Pasa, being played in three different keys. YES MILLIE I AM AWARE THAT THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY BAD USE OF BRACKETS!!!  ? And what about, maybe a candy bar, you know, just little things but I think they really can make a difference.

 

The next morning was back to the Marion Nodoff High School, for the third time in 2 years! Kathrin Carbow is the inspirational music teacher [ and incredible singer and wearer of amazing dresses.] I gave a workshop to about 30 kids, and they did me the service of singing my new song, Spirits in Fly, in English and German, [thankyou Susie, Meine Bavarian nachbaren].

 

 

 

 

After the workshop, back to Hamburg, then later a show at the theatre-club in Altona.The show is a collection of different artists, each gets a 30 minute set, I was due to follow the ventriliquist. Now this is always a tricky music biz situation, luckily I am well versed in following novelty acts, who both keep their clothes on and off, so the transition was reasonably smooth, and to his credit the chap took out his Franciscan Monk puppet [you really had to have been there] and the two of them were both singing along and swaying gently to my songs.

 

 

 

 

I was both surprised and humbled to receive an encore, mainly surprised though because my German is only at the level of a newborn baby,  so I couldn’t understand the promoter whose voice rose steadily in volume at my apparent lack of interest in going back on stage, normally I am a real coward about keeping the audience waiting in a frenzied anticipation regarding my reappearance on stage, in fact I’m often starting my encore whilst the audience are even contemplating applauding the previous song, however after about 15 minutes, and by this stage the promoter was trying to physically pull me towards him [again , you had to have been there, although he was very handsome, 6 feet 6 and wore black velvet flared trousers with an embroidered floral pattern, [isn’t it funny the things you remember?]

 

[[[sorry Millie]]]],

 

I finally understood the international sign language of …

 

if you don’t go back on , neither will I pay you, but you may well be hospitalized if you do not cooperate 

 

I jumped back on stage, much to the relief of some of the older audience members, some of which were in serious of need assistance because they had been forced to clap and cheer for way too long. When the paramedics had finally left, my rendition of Hallelujah brought the house down, well it would have brought the house down if anyone had had any energy left to cheer.

 

 

There is a post script to this story

 

…[.ironically and somewhat humourously [in a ventriloquist with a Franciscan monk puppet sort of way]

 

 

I didn’t get paid….., but I think that was mainly due to the fact I hadn’t read the contract  [ or hadn’t been able to read the contract because unbelievably, and this will blow you away, it was actually written in German!!!! ? ], and , again if I might suggest that for people like me who are only at the , goo gooo, gaga and the odd, Dadda level [ with a cute gummy smile]  of foreign language,

 

adhd alert!!!

 

at this point I must make a formal apology to the grade 9 class I taught French to in 1995, I am sure they remember it to this day!

 

 [ in teaching it is often said the teacher is only two pages ahead of the students in the text book, but in my case I had never even seen the book, wouldn’t have recognized the book even it had fallen on me from a large height, in fact the question must be asked, was there even a book?] 

 

 

ANYWAY   … picture contracts would revolutionise the music business. Just a simple picture of a sad looking musician walking away with his shoulders bent, and the promoter sympathetically [this would be difficult to draw I grant you] gesturing, I’m sorry,  [ or , you must be bloody joking pal] , and politely pointing a finger to the door, would have been sufficient, and all would have been good in the world……experience is everything.

 

I am writing a lot in this diary today, and I have just realized why….the coffee I am currently enjoying in the Portuguese café is caffeinated…and I‘ve had two!

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday was an early start, in school for a workshop in Klecken , Dirk Franzius is one of my dearest friends in the whole world…….. [ I do make friends easily and speedily, uncomfortably too easy and speedily sometimes for the people I befriend, …….

 

I once was in fact awarded the friendship/courtesy award in primary school, I take great pride in this despite it being the very last award on the very long list of awards my school gave out, the previous two awards having being , best toilet cleaner with a toothbrush, and most times of vomiting on a school trip award,

 

[ on the bus and in the museum/zoo/themepark/ theatre/cinema/ ………..]

 

………recycling plant……….

 

 

yes that’s what I said…..

 

 

…….recycling plant…….,

 

I’ll actually say it again…..…….recycling plant…….,

and this time there is such incredulity emanating from my voice/fingers  that the lady serving the coffee has been momentarily distracted and has spilt the milk over the dog who up until that point had been…. Humping.. [I do not know the German word for this, and frankly I am rather glad I don’t] the leg of the very patient [ or very desperate older lady standing next to him]…

 

 

This is true……

 

I heard the other day that a school in Victoria BC takes the kids …..

[ ONCE A BLOODY YEAR NO LESS ] on a day trip to the local landfill…….not even, cruelly in my opinion, the more exotic landfill in the next town.

 

Jesus Christ Almighty!!!!!……,

 

I bet those kids can’t get a wink of sleep the night before that earth-shattering -exciting day, Christmas eve must seem like a trip to a Bolivian dentist in comparison.

 

 

 

 

Picture the scene if you would be so kind…….

 

Yummy Mummy……standing in a sort of gap catalogue pose in designer kitchen, Belfast [catholic side] sink and army green aga,  with underfloor heating, powered by a team of Mexicans pedaling eco- solar powered bikes in the landscaped lavender garden….[which they actually rent from said Yummy Mummy]

 

 Johnny  [ actually that should be Earthshadow, or …Soulchild… or Equinoxia…

 

….  if you don’t finish those pureed organic First Nation [non reserve]   juvenile Arbutus roots and drink up that fermented cougar sweat [served at 37 degrees], they’ll be no trip to the mutant –rat  infested bio – hazard tomorrow…..and you know I’ve bought you that Oshkosh all in one protective suit…

 

 

Earthshadow…Soulchild…..Equinoxia…slightly raising ex- homeschooled eyebrow, whilst  playing a chopin etude arranged for Peruvian nose flute, [double nostril model]

 

‘ Sorry Yummy Mummy…I will,  and can I have some extra Pacific Coast salmon

  [wild, but well behaved ] saliva on it as well…??

 

 

 

SORRY FOR THE DISTRACTION,

 

and sorry to the homeschooling community, my jesting is down purely to my immense jealousy at not be able to homeschool my own children!

 

Back to the school awards…this coffee  is frickin amazing….

 

[The  VOMWARD as we kids called it had been a very difficult choice for the teachers….], still I was very proud to collect my award and got a warm and throaty ‘ahhhhhhh’ from the parents after I kissed both feet of the reluctant and litigation pannicked Headteacher, after returning to my seat I was careful to not sit too close to Marie Warner who joyously collected the vomit badge, but who looked rather green in the face after the shock of winning.

 

Back to Klecken…..

 

I was told shortly before playing my concert, that noone had     …..ever…EVER ……

 

I am tempted at this point to find a larger font, for yet another EVER to make my point but the caffine is restricting/accelerating my manual dexterity and I don’t think I could use the mouse pad

 

…..nobody had ever played a live concert in Klecken…

 

 

knowing that you are the only person to have ever played or eve likely to, a live concert in a community is quite a daunting task….for a short while I was tempted to sing lying down, or perform whilst doing a head stand, knowing the audience would have simply believed that this was completely normal in the world of live concerts, but unfortunately I can do neither.

 

Actually , that’s not entirely true, in freshers week at Birmingham University in 1984 I managed this [and a lot  more which I can’t reveal because of the confidentiality clause I signed] after drinking 7 pints of crap larger and 4 double baileys with an extra shot of Jamieson, I am only able to recollect this because of the police statement and the picture in the Daily Mirror that appeared on the front page the  following morning.On a side note, because of this I still have a small but devoted [ if not slightly disturbed]internet fan group in Albania, who gather every four years to reinact that pivitel night.]

 

 

 

I had a great time singing upright and occasionally in tune, the children made me laugh, I made them laugh with my goo goo’s and ga ga’s  [ must learn that song by Queen], I will I have decided,when, my ship comes in, buy a house in Klecken,……… what the heck, I’ll buy Klecken, and make it the Las Vegas of Lower Saxony…..you heard it here first!!!!

 

The next day I was in Nendorf, I loved the school and the staff , and I also met Enrico , who held his breath for 40 seconds  [ you had to have been there].

 

Later, I drove to my friends house in Buxtahude for a House Concert. Britta is a good friend and has the three most beautiful children, Finn, Rikke and Matty , [Matty gave me a present of a crystal], Finn beat me in a game of football,Rikke sang De Colores,  and I sang my new songs about apartments and French coffee,rainbows and a  sunflower girl, looking for another little girl [14] called Dakota, and a song I wrote for Britta called lost and found.

 

 

 

 

Drove home to Hamburg after the show and slept very very well.

 

As I’m finishing this epic [War and Peace epic]  diary entry, the caffine effect is finally diminishing, people have stopped staring, and I’m going back to the flat to get my guitar and do a TV interview on a balcony above a porn movie theatre on the Reperbahn,

……….you really have to be here.

 

Very very very sorry Mille  [the Grammar fairy….. or is it the witch?]

 

Got to go, the dog lady has just sat down next to me……

 

 

Later

So much for the flippant and jaunty jokes about jet lag, I had the worst night of sleep ..EVER , in fact I should not even mention the word sleep in that sentence because it was non existent last night.I managed to do a few things like decorate the bathroom and find a bar of chocolate that had been cleverly hidden away under some floor boards.But other than that I was bored silly.

I was breakfasting steadily from about 5 am onwards, but I had an official breakfast with Heinz, [my brilliant drummer] at 9 am.We decided on Portuguese, not for any clear reason except that it was  close, but it was lovely.Reminded me of when I worked in London, just off the Portobello Road.My Aunty Kitty had a grocery store on Golborne Road, and opposite that was the amazing Lisboa cafe.The best cakes, all in very strange shapes and colours, so very exotic for a boy from Birmingham.

It was great to meet up with Heinz, I hadn’t seen him for a year, and we spent a few hours chatting and playing some of my new tunes.

After that I drove up to Lubeck, a very pretty German town, with typical gothic architecture.I was asked to give a workshop to a group of university students in the music college there.Thankfully no-one told them about me getting kicked out of the Birmingham Conservatoire of Music back in 1985, Nov 18th, 3.15 pm…..I’m over it and I’m not bittter, not bitter at all.The class was great, of course I spent most of the two hours trying to persuade them to be carpenters or landscape artists, but they could not be swayed.Wonderfull people.

As I write this I am listening to Kathrin and Christof soundchecking, and very pleasant it is too!

I’m playing a cute little bistro/hotel/concert venue,looking forward to it.

I am sitting here at the breakfast table of my good friends lars and Steffi, in a fashionable Hamburg neighbourhood, feeling very jet lagged.There are many claimed cures for jet -lagg, bathing in Swiss mountain goats milk [obviously before the trip], eating an apple upside down [this is an Australian idea],Looking at a fellow passengers holiday photographs, or watching the same episode of two and a half Men over and over, however this is actually the same effect as watching different episodes.But alas this issues seems to have eluded the best and brightest brains.Jet Lag is part of travel, just get used to it.

I like to ease myself back into everyday life after a long flight.I try to avoid difficult and strenuous tasks, so I enjoy an hour or so of putting on and taking off  socks, and when I’m just getting the hang of that I really test myself by taking off and putting on my own.People over centuries have of course had to deal with this tiresome aspect of travel.The cavemen [according to cave drawings found in Milton Keynes UK ]  would often slaughter a ripe banana, this apparently got rid of stress, and also filled that awkward gap just before supper.

Each to their own, I suppose I just have to accept that looking like an extra in a budget zombie movie is my fate for the next few days.Try to avoid meeting people in daylight hours, and if it gets really really bad, write a song about it.

 

Later

 

P

 

ps I had intended to upoload a picture of me looking jet-lagged, but the new camera I purchased shortly before coming I just realised, has a special function that doesn’t allow any picture below a certain level of beauty, my camera is on the Brad Pitt setting, so, in fact there will never be any pictures of me.