Fall 2024. Musings from a Dublin M&S Car Park…
It’s Wednesday which means I’m in Ireland.
Sitting on the grass verge looking at the Dublin mountains in the distance. In the ‘M and S’ car park waiting for my mom to to finish her spa morning, nails and toes, if it’s a waxing thankfully she didn’t say. The place was called ‘Sugar dolls’ which in fairness sounded to me like a very different kind of spa.
I had already been interviewed by three crows who if they had decided to have a go at me would probably have wrestled my 4.50 euros small box of mango chunks from my slippery fingers as there was no fork included, Marks’ isn’t what it used to be.
Mango, is there anything better ? It’s not a philosophical question.
have an urge to stop random strangers in the street when I’m eating mango, to give them the vital information that the mango I’m actually eating bears virtually no relation to the mango I ate whilst in Ecuador. Which I know is weird on many levels.The mango in Vilcabamba I ate was a religious experience though.
So I imagined as I couldn’t doom scroll cause I had no wifi , the several varied and colourful replies that would be given to me after telling people the ‘truth’ about mango.
1.Then why eat it here ?
This is a very good question to which I have no answer.
2. I hate Mango it gives me hives
Again, an air tight reply
3. Shut up and stop showing off about going to South America and eating fancy food.This would definitely be said by my Irish parents or in fact anybody Irish.
‘Showing Off ‘ in Ireland is actually illegal except if you are Graham Norton. You can rob a shop for sweets and get a clip round the ear.Push your Granny off the bus and get a raised eyebrow.
But if you strut around pretending to be Kevin Keegan in your new perm which to my deep shame I actually did, then you will unquestionably receive the wrath of the Irish Gods of ‘be seen and not heard.’
SCREAMING !!!!!!
‘ WHO DA HELL DO YE TINK YEE R? ‘ ?? !!!!
Those cursed words raining down on your bouncing curly head. What an idyllic childhood I had.
I have a showing off story, I’m sure, we all do. I was once given three whacks of a pump which is a very uncool running shoe, by a Sister of the church who was the Headteacher of the Catholic Primary school I attended, Saint John’s and Saint Monica’s.
I wish I remembered her name, like I also wish I’d slashed her tires and could dance on her grave. This out of character and disturbing sentence will make sense if you keep reading, but if you stop reading here because you fear where this is going , then you perhaps will never invite me into your home for a house concert or even a cuppa, these are the big risks you take as a writer.
The showing off crime was doing the Morecambe and Wise, who were British comedy giants , silly dance, which the pair did at the end of their TV show. My language skills are developed enough to accurately describe the moves, so here’s a picture…
Back to the crime. It’s all connected to a playground bell that had sounded for the end of break time. The rule was and I should add I was 5 years old at the time, we had to immediately stand like we were frozen as soon as the bell rang, for the end of playtime.
it’s suddenly come to me why I’m so very good at musical statues.
I was completely unaware of said bell because I was dancing the Morecombe and Wise dance. My wife struggles to believe me about this because I don’t really dance, but maybe this is the reason Louise.The bell rang and the entire school stood still, except me and my friend Jamie. There was a collective gasp from the staff and then as if LIKE a creature emerging from a thick mist in a Stephen King novel actually a simile is not needed here, she WAS a creature.
This black clad, apocalyptic bell wielding monster slowly drew close to me and my co-sinner.We were ‘frogmarched’ off the playground.By the way I have never seen frogs marching.
Jamie was Ernie. I was Eric. Together we were doomed,
We were led to her office which I ‘jokingly' call her torture chamber.
I took my 3 of the best, and just a reminder we were both 5.
Jamie didn’t.
He had the audacity to get very upset and had the cheek and nerve to struggle and try and get upright from his prone position before the 3 could be administered gleefully by the caring and nurturing teaching professional.We were mercifully allowed to keep our shorts on.This resulted in him getting about 10 of the very best.
Sorry this jovial tour blog has become something entirely different.I suppose this has come up because of yet another shameful and tragic government investigation that was on the radio yesterday on systemic sexual abuse in the school system here in Ireland, please insert your own country’s name, but I digress.
The punishment was served. In the eyes of the Reverend Mother, who by the way was absolutely nothing like the one in ‘The Sound of Music’. We were cleansed from the comedy evil of Eric and Ernie.
Of course I knew not to mention this to my parents when I got home because I would have been walloped again for showing off. I told her today, 53 years after the event, lucky for me she is 81 and arthritic, and doesn’t own any pumps.
If that had happened in 2024 there would be uproar and probably a BBC 1 drama production about it and a follow up ‘Where are they now?’ spin off, with Jamie and I taken back to the scene in Moseley, but refusing to recreate the dance moves, not because of the emotional distress but because we were overweight and stiff, use it or lose it folks.
I know I’m still digressing
Back to the mango replies , has that sentence ever been written?Maybe the most plausible and realistic reply from a stranger would be
1.F**k off you entitled w**ker….[ not worker ]
Funny the things that go through your mind in a ‘Marks and Sparks Car Park ‘ if I ever become a rapper, I’m definitely using that line.
But to finish on a serious note, go to Ecuador if you can.
